Paper Pregnant

In the adoption world that's what they call it when you're officially starting the adoption process.  Paper pregnant.  I don't know if it's because that's the only way you can affirm you are going to have another child--the papers that approve you to adopt--or if it's because if I put the stack of papers we're going to need to gather under my shirt, I'd look like I was pregnant.  I looked up the definition of pregnant and this one seems to work too:  filled with meaning or emotion because of what is going to happen or be said.

When I got those signed papers back that said we were approved for China, they definitely had a lot of meaning and emotion because of what they signify is coming.

Regardless, here were are.  Paper pregnant feels a little like the regular pregnant.  I have trouble sleeping sometimes, it doesn't always feel like it's really happening, it's fun to share our news, we have a lot to do to get ready for our child, and I have this feeling in the back of my head that everything's about to change.

But it's been different in a lot of ways.  For one, how the news is received is different.  People aren't automatically so excited.  There are a lot more kinds of feelings attached there.  And questions.  And misconceptions.  And probably judgments.  I'm so thankful for the many who have reacted with such love and support for us.

Another thing different is that the stuff I would normally start trying to figure out right away is taking a back seat to the stuff we need to do to make the adoption official.  We haven't spent more than 2 minutes total talking about what we'll name her.  We haven't figured out what we'll need for her--clothes or baby stuff or bed or...we don't even know how old she'll be.  The papers we need to gather are more concrete I guess, so they take precedence to the more fun parts of planning for another child.

The biggest thing different of course is that she's probably already born.  She's somewhere in China--maybe in a hospital, maybe at an orphanage or foster home.  She is there and I have no idea what is going on with her.  I can't feel her kick or get a check up to make sure all is well.  There will always be a big part of her life that we won't know.  She is a stranger to us right now, yet one day, we're going to have trouble remembering life without her.  Still processing all these things and pondering what I'm feeling in this "paper pregnancy".

The Year Ahead, Why China, and Other Thoughts!

So what is ahead for our family over the next year or so with this adoption thing?  Well I don't really know all of it yet!  My lovely friend--oh, and the China program director--will give us an orientation soon, but in the meantime I have read through the 100+ page handbook to get an idea.

I can definitely tell you there will be lots and lots of paperwork!  Lots of retrieving documents, making things official, mailing this and that, taking pictures, filling out forms, etc.  

The first part of that stuff will begin soon with our homestudy, which I've learned is not just a study filled out about family by a social worker, but also includes time for us to learn more about parenting an adopted child.  That will take several months. 

The next part of that stuff is our dossier to China, which includes some of the same paperwork and some different.  That will take another several months.  

Then all gets mailed to China and a few months later if we haven't chosen to be matched with a child that has more moderate to severe special needs, we'll be matched with a child with minor special needs.  That takes us toward the end of the year I think.  

Then a few more months to get everything in order with the match and we'll get word that we can make our travel plans.  We'll spend about a week and half or 2 in China and come home with our little sweetie!

You may be wondering why we picked China.  Again, not the expert, but here are 3 reasons:

1) As I said in the previous post, trying to adopt from the foster system was not the right fit for our situation.  Also domestic private adoption can be full of lots of ups and downs, things falling through, etc.  It can also go perfectly smoothly, but because of the reasons below, we decided not to go that route.  It also seems to take awhile to be chosen by the birth family when you already have a passel of kids.

2) We already have close family friends with kids adopted from China that we can walk through this with and share life with when our child is home.  It is such a comfort to have my dear friend handling our adoption.  And it's great for our Chinese child to have families around her that are similar to ours so she doesn't feel like the odd one.  (Along those same lines, there are other wonderful families we know that are adopting from China too!  We'll be able to do this journey together and help each other continue to celebrate our children's culture when they come home.)

3) China's process for special needs kids is dependable, ethical, and fast.  They've been at it a long time and agencies know just what to expect and how to handle all the details.

And why the special needs program?  From what I've read, in China there is a deep social stigma attached to children with special needs.  I think it's changing for the better (see this article:  http://www.lwbcommunity.org/birth-defects) but in the meantime, parents aren't feeling like they can raise these kids and there aren't enough being adopted domestically...yet.  Some parents also just can't afford medical care.  The article about said almost all the kids that come to an orphanage have a special need, so adopting a healthy child could take many years.  We'll have to make hard choices at some point about which needs we feel we can handle, but I'm not thinking about that today!

Now when I think about going all the way to China....whew!  That is going to be a big stretch for me. The extent of my foreign travel is a little day trip across the border to Vancouver to visit their aquarium when we lived in Washington.  That's it.  I like the familiar and feel nervous going somewhere different.  But I also know that when we lived hours and hours from home in WA for a time, I got to see things and do things I'd never done before and it was such a great experience.  I expect China will be a challenge but really amazing for this homebody.  And there's a tiny adventurous side of me that can't wait! 

Crabtree Kid #4: A long time coming!

I lay awake in the middle of the night and think about it.  I wake up in the morning and it still doesn’t seem quite real.  I have to remind myself that it’s true—we are adopting from China and about one short year from now we’re going to be a family of 6.  How did we get to this place?  I think it’s been in the works for a long, long time now.  

I can remember talking with my mom years and years ago about what I wanted to do when I grew up—to run an orphanage.  I even remember what road we were on as we discussed this.  I don’t have a great memory, but some things just stick in my head.  Like hours after Joshua was born and I went to see him in the Special Care nursery, where he lay under an oxygen hood.  The feeling was overpowering—how much I loved him, how he had this big, supportive family that would even come all the way to Missouri to set eyes on him, how there are little ones laying in hospitals who have no one there celebrating their arrival, holding their tiny hands while they receive treatment, and how much I wanted to adopt.  Funny thing to feel the day you have your first baby.

But lots of life events got in the way of those dreams and before we knew it, we had three kids.  Still, I really wanted to adopt.  I read all I could get my hands on about international adoption, infant adoption, older child adoption, refugee teen adoption, foster care and with every story I said to myself, “Yes.  I want to do that.”  But it wasn’t the right time.  There were moves, job changes, going back to school, etc. and it was just too much.  And Matt was not at all ready.  

Sometimes I would despair at this not-right timing.  I remember one such afternoon that I felt particularly frustrated about it all.  We were headed to a play date for new Voyager kindergarteners and must have had a discussion about adoption on the way.  I don’t remember the details except that I was sad and the moment we got to the park, I looked up and the first family I saw was a mom and dad with two obviously adopted children.  I knew when I saw them they must be the family my friend Carla mentioned were also going to Voyager.  And in that moment, it felt like God was telling me to be patient and that we’d get our chance at adoption one day.  I was right about that family.  It was the Bakers who, as it turns out, have played such a big role in this process.  Lisa is now a close friend and the one we are working with at Small World, as she’s in charge of China adoptions.  

So this adoption thing is a very long story in the making.  The latest bit is that Matt and I agreed to start seriously looking into it this year, around Julia's birthday when the reality of youngest child turning 6 was setting in, and I really had no idea what decision we would make.  

We started with pursuing adoption from the foster system, but after our meeting with the social worker, decided it wasn’t the best fit.  The goal there is always to reunify kids and parents and all involved have to be 100% behind that and ready to do what it takes.  But since half of our motivation is to add a 4th child to our family, not just to temporarily care for a child, we needed to look elsewhere.  

After meeting with the Bakers, we decided that night to go for China.  It was a big surprise to me that Matt was ready to say yes.  I think it helped to hear the Bakers affirm his concerns and share that they had had similar thoughts, but that all turned out beautifully.  The night we decided was the night before Valentine’s Day.  We aren’t huge Valentine’s people, but it’s always been just a fun day to share with the kids, the big highlight being a treasure hunt for little gifts (this year was Valentine mailbox and a tshirt).  But now I think the holiday will take on a new meeting as I will always remember it was when my prayers were answered for a dream to come true.  

On Valentine’s Day at breakfast, we told the kids.  It wasn’t a huge surprise, as they have heard me talk and read to them about adoption for years now and they knew we were thinking about it.  Matt told them the child will probably be a girl (side note- in China there are now more boys than girls available for adoption I believe, so it’s possible we change our minds, but there is something so special about having sisters that I want Julia to experience) and Joshua said, “Another one?!”  We only have one girl, buddy.  Two isn't so many!  Gray immediately began making plans to learn Chinese and Julia just beamed and talked about how she’s been wanting a sister.

I will try to keep this site updated with our progress.  Another day I will write about where we are in the process and what’s ahead.  For now, I hope you’ll join me in thanking the LORD for his kindness to me and to our family.

Catching up

My lack of posting is definitely indicative of my full schedule since I started the job!  Things have been good but I constantly feel behind!  Today I feel like I can breathe a little because the kids are off school and I am off work on Monday.  So I was thinking over our night last night and wanted to record some of the conversation.

Joshua is still in Seattle and the rest of us were out to eat.  On the way, we saw a restaurant with the Duke logo outside of it.  Julia said, "I thought that was a Duke cafe.  Or buffet."  She was a total chatterbox all night and kept us laughing.  We talked about what you would bring with you on a one-year trip if you could only take 3 things.  Gray debated about the xbox and then decided on a football, basketball, and basketball goal.  Julia said right away, "Food, a lamp because that would be nice to give you some light, and a clock because it plays you music and helps you fall asleep.  Well, maybe a toothbrush instead, because that is better."  Funny how different they are!

This led to talk about cell phones (Matt's choice) and Gray says in exasperation, "When I am going to get a phone?!?!" and Julia says in an equally dramatic tone, "When am I going to get braces?!"  On the way home, she made lots of comments about the songs on the radio, such as how when boys sing a song about sweetheart, it's like when you grow up and get married and love someone and she thinks they are singing to girls.  Of course it all sounds funnier in her unique way of putting things.

I had parent-teacher conferences for all the kids the last few days.  Julia's teacher confirmed that yes Julia was correct when she told me she was "varely" listening the first weeks of school.  She said she was totally in her own world and they couldn't snap her out of it easily.  But that was probably her being overwhelmed with the transition of quiet days with me to loud, long days in the classroom.  Now she's doing well, though she is a talker, but not a "loud talker, just a sneaky talker".  She's doing very well academically and she enjoys it, so overall great report.  She is loving her dance class and it was so fun watching on parent observation day Monday.  I kept thinking "One of these is not like the other" when she would be a bit off the rest of the group and she did some lovely eye rolling and groans when she got tired of doing arabesques!  But she was so enthusiastic in her marching along to the tap dance and we just got a big kick out of the whole thing.

Joshua's teacher just loves him.  She said there isn't even one little thing she could tell me he needs to improve on as far as organization, following directions, behavior.  And he's above average on the academics as well. She said he's well liked and one friend in particular asks every day when he's going to get back from Seattle!  He seems to be having a great trip.  We gets texts of pictures and movies and "I miss you".  Feels like forever since I've seen him!!  He's done really well with his swim classes and has a really pretty stroke.  We're debating about switching over to swim team, which is pretty time consuming, but could be really good for him.  He has his next x-ray Tuesday so we'll see how things are progressing with his leg.  He and I had a fun trip away to the mountains last month on the 4th grade field trip.  He was a little down with chest pains from asthma, but recovered enough to have a good time and the scenery was beautiful.

Gray's teacher said he's so bright and such a neat kid with lots of interesting things to say.  He's above average academically, despite his attention issues, so she says she really can't complain.  His score of 192 words per minute reading was by far the highest she's ever seen.  He's still doing some ridiculous things like stuffing his face to the almost choking point at lunch, but it's better than that rainy week when he ate part of a glue stick and smeared peanut butter on his face.  I think part of that was due to not getting outside enough.  She said they were all going crazy.  His biggest struggle is writing, but he's showing some signs of wanting to try harder with that and making good progress when he does try.  I'm so happy we got this teacher who genuinely likes having Gray in her class!  He was so happy to finish the big mile run with a 7:21 time a few weeks ago.  It's such a big deal at school and he was pretty concerned.

My class is going great!  I love my little group of 6 and we have a lot of fun reading and talking together, doing discovery and experiment activities, playing outside.  They are so cute, well-behaved, and eager to learn.  It's a great job.

Matt is surviving his challenging job.  He's tired a lot but likes that he's always learning and feels like he's using his brain well.  And of course he's happy to have the job security.

Raven's doing well for the most part.  I think she doesn't like those days we are gone a lot and she's confined to her crate.  But left unsupervised, she does things like poop upstairs and get into the trash, so that's just the way it has to be.  She is well-loved and the kids often argue over who will feed her or take her out of her crate or give her treats.

I want to slow down time and enjoy each of our days well, but still working on how to make that happen! :)  There's always something to clean or wash, something to straighten or water, behavior stuff to talk through, homework to do, books to read, activities or parties to go to, meals to make, grocery story trips to go on, walks to take.  Just normal busy family life.  Things are good, but I do miss those slower summer days.  It may be summer before I get around to writing again....

First Day of School- K, 3rd, and 4th

Today went well. Kids were really happy yesterday and mostly excited this morning. We got to school early and Julia was the first one in my class. She gave me a hug and walked right in. She and Gray both insisted they didn't need me to walk them in and they knew where their classes were, though it's quite a ways from the front door and they had only been to the school once or twice. I insisted I was coming anyway!  I wrangled a hug from Gray and Joshua right outside their class and then just like that I was all alone. I didn't cry but I sure did feel strange. I kept looking behind me thinking someone should be following me!  I set off to to the clearance form for volunteers and saw so many of my sweet KNO kids full of happy greetings and hugs on the way, as well as lots of my grown up friends from our neighborhood. It felt very good to be there!


The kids rode the bus home, which is less than a five minute ride for them and went fine. The boys wanted to sit with friends but were assigned to each other and Julia sat right in front of them beside two little girls and across from my friend Robyn's twins. They were all smiles and happy chatter off the bus. Gray liked that he can earn tickets in his class and had a marshmallow tower building contest today. Joshua liked getting to know a kid he had met last year at s birthday party and that Friday there are special team games in his class. Julia liked playing on the playground with a friend from dance camp and Francisco from KNO. She cried later though bc she said her teacher fussed at her about not listening.

This afternoon Julia had her first dance class--tap and ballet. I could watch her from a window and she was adorable and loved it. Matt and the boys went to the pool.

And now I'm continuing to work on getting my class ready and lesson plans together for my job. I have orientation tomorrow, a parent orientation Thursday, a bring your parent to class day next week, and then kids start coming the 14th. I think it's going to be good, though it still feels like a lot to do to keep up with job and house and kids and volunteering. Going to be an interesting year!

Holding on to Summer!

It has been a good summer.  We have no travels to tell about, at least not as a family.  Most of our days haven't been filled with anything organized.  But it's been great and I'm not nearly ready for it to end!!

Ordinary days:  Most of our days we have been home doing a lot of reading, playing games, working for video games and then playing them, cooking, cleaning, playing outside, watching movies (especially some of my old favorites) and having lots and lots of play dates with friends old and new.  We have made many trips to the library and even more trips to the pool.  We've had friends and family over for dinner.  We've gone on bike rides and walks.

Special days:  We have gotten to go to friends' houses, sporting events, VBS, KNO game nights and had a few special visitors stay with us-- Matt's fellow soldier at Ft Lewis, Nate and Jeannie with her boys.

I have gotten dates with the kids, which I've never tried to make happen before.  I've also gotten "sleepovers" with each one on nights Matt is gone.  I have really loved the one-on-one time.

Gray went to a basketball camp and LOVED it.  He cannot get enough of shooting hoops.  Julia went to a princess dance camp and an art camp.  Joshua had an epic trip to Mimi and GrandGene's full of museums and Carowinds and lots of fun family time.  Gray is away right now getting his time in Rock Hill and loving it, though showing Mimi and GrandGene just how hard-headed he is!

Growing days:  Matt started his new job and is learning so much and working so hard.  Each of the kids has learned a little more about cooking.  Julia has always been interested in helping in the kitchen but Gray has been super enthusiastic and loved planning a meal from start to finish.  Joshua is usually reluctant to help but he enjoyed making pancakes Saturday with me just standing by to give advice while he did all the work.

Julia has been making progress with her reading lessons.  Joshua is learning more about patience and not getting everything you want as he waits for his leg to heal.  He has agreed to try swimming classes in the fall since basketball is probably not going to be an option for a few more years.

We've had some birds and the bees lessons with the kids (using the book "What's the Big Deal?"), which has gone really well b/c they are young enough to be curious, listen to us, and not roll their eyes in embarrassment!

We've been learning how to be more social and better conversationalists, as we are all the type to wait for people to speak to us.  I read a few books on the subject and have been sharing what I learned.  Julia did great the other day and reached out to an acquaintance at the pool after remembering what we talked about.  She continues to be the most social of the family.

I have taken up running...well, jogging really, which has definitely been a growing experience as I stink at it!  But I'm getting so much better and learning to enjoy getting out of the house alone for a little while.  I also started re-teaching myself to play the piano, which I really enjoy doing as well!

Future days:  There are just 2 1/2 weeks till school starts back and I'm not sure any of us are ready.  Well, maybe Julia.  She doesn't say too much about it but I think she's mostly looking forward to it.

Gray has loved being at home with few demands on him and we're wondering how it's going to go when school starts.  We had a phone consultation with a neurofeedback doctor in Chapel Hill that was very intriguing.  Her type of treatment is highly recommended by the Academy of Pediatrics, but highly expensive and not covered by insurance.  She says she'd look at an EEG of his brain each visit and figure out exactly where it isn't functioning well and be able to target that area.  It's supposed to last indefinitely, with maybe some maintenance visits here and there.  So we are weighing the cost as we try to figure out what's best for him.  Could be a busy fall with twice a week visits to the doctor.  Gray is also interested in playing flag football and then basketball, but we haven't decided yet.  It's a little crazy to thing of adding a bunch of activities when last year we had nothing extra!

Joshua will have swimming twice a week during September and then we can decide from there to continue or not.  A kind neighbor has been researching Perthes disease and helping us understand it a little better and it really seems like swimming will be very good for him.

Julia is going to do a little dance class with 3 of her friends and she can't wait.  She loves showing me her ballet moves at home.

Matt's schedule will become a little more manageable as he will finish up his orientation weeks where he sometimes has extra classes to take.  He's trying to figure out the best schedule to go with, since he can pick his own shifts.

And me?  Well I'm still supposed to be getting a job.  My best options haven't panned out yet and I've been reluctant to jump on finding something that I don't seem very suited for.  I think I just want to get through this big transition of not having any little ones at home anymore and starting this new school and these new activities.

And then there's the other big "if" for our family as we are still contemplating getting a dog.  We know a little more what type we need for Joshua's allergies, but they aren't the kind that you kind find just anywhere in a shelter.  Matt is very taken by the cute puppies, but most of "our" types are hundreds and hundreds of dollars and of course a lot of work, especially if I'm going to work!  So we wait.  I think one of my biggest life lessons of my adult life so far has been waiting.  The LORD is always at work and I must be patient.

In our last weeks of summer, we'll look forward to a visit from Amanda, get some tutoring done with KNO kids, have some more friends over, find out who our teachers are and get school supplies, celebrate our anniversary, and do all the other usual things.  It's going to fly and I'm going to try to enjoy each day!

The Big Guy

Well my motivation for blogging didn't last too long there, but I'm back to record some Joshua memories.  It's been quite a year for this boy--the Perthes diagnosis last fall (he's been on crutches since September!), moving to Nanny and Pa's and then to our new house, saying goodbye to the school he's been attending for 4 years, and now nearing his 10th birthday.  

Ten is really getting to me.  It just seems like his childhood is almost over and I know it's cliché, but it really seems like the blink of an eye!  I keep waiting for that sarcastic, sullen, annoyed tween phase to begin creeping in, but Joshua assures me that will never happen and though I know it's totally normal to go through it, I almost believe him.  He is just so sweet to me.  He barely ever says a rude word, he apologizes profusely when he disobeys, and he tells me he loves me all. the. time.  Even when I'm grumpy and don't deserve his kind words.  

 His sweetness extends to Julia, who loves to play with him, but fends off his attempts at affection.  It extends to Matt, though they relate to each other a little differently.  It extends to animals (stuffed or real) and little kids.



I only wish Gray got his share.  Sadly, the competition seems to always be there for these two, especially on Joshua's part.  I'm sure one day they will show their support for each other, but I so wish they wouldn't waste their years now fighting and trying to one up each other.

Besides playing with Gray and chasing Julia around, these days Joshua is very into sports--NC State and the Seahawks in particular.  He loves to watch sports, play sports video games, play sports outside, talk about sports.  His "go to" outfits is his all red NC State outfit, complete with tall stocks and his precious new tennis shoes that he keeps in a box and usually only brings out on Tuesdays.  His back up is all navy and lime green Seahawks attire.  The boy loves routines.

 He also loves any chance he can get to play with friends.  He is very good at making friends and being immediately at ease with playing with them, which is unusual given that he typically has to size up and warm up to things.  He never wants to be the center of attention, but usually has a good friend to have fun with wherever he goes--at his old school, in his new neighborhood, at KNO, at church, etc.  He loved bonding more with a boy from our small group during VBS this month.  And his VBS teacher loved him.  She kept telling me how good he was and yes, that is dependable Joshua when he is not with his siblings at least!

Joshua's other interests range from crocheting (short lived, though he recently mentioned wanting to pick it back up) to reading (he loves reading on his own, hearing Matt read Lord of the Rings, and even hearing me read Anne of Green Gables) to drawing to playing board games (current fav is Settlers of Catan) to swimming.  He's pretty naturally good at most anything he tries, like his Daddy.

He may be growing up, but some things never change.  He still loves his things.  He recently put his 50+ stuffed animals that stay on his bed into bags (still on his bed) for easy carrying in case of a fire.  He wanted to save his snowmen and snowballs in the freezer every time it snowed this winter.  He loves to take pictures of things to remember, like his lego creations--or tonight, his arm where he got blood taken, since I declined his request to save his dirty bandaid.

 Mr. Animal Lover has also continued to beg for a dog, especially once we found out there may be breeds he could tolerate in spite of his allergies.  He went through a phase of being committed to saving his money to buy one and even watched an infomercial on training a puppy for quite awhile.  We are still undecided about taking the plunge.

 What's next for our oldest child?  His latest xray showed he still has a long way to go with healing his leg, so we're trying to be more strict about his activities.  He's very relieved to be done with his crutches finally and that good news was enough to sustain him through the bad news of no basketball/team sports.  Today Matt took him to the doctor to start testing for food allergies in case that could be behind his autoimmune issues.  We won't find out for a week or so what the results are and may need to see an allergist to follow up.

He's looking forward to his new school, though a little sad to leave his Hillandale friends behind.  Three of his closest friends had birthday parties the last month of school so he had a lot of great times with them to finish off the year.  Thankfully, he has friends he'll know at the new school and we're still getting to know some of our neighbors his age too.  Think he will be just fine.