These Papers

I really want to keep this blog updated with our adoption progress so thought I'd write a little about how things are going...  It's been only 2 1/2 weeks since we started this thing, which is so hard to believe after all we've accomplished since then!!

So last Thursday we got the first (and by far the largest) packet of papers for us to turn in for our homestudy.  How's that going?  Let's just say I haven't washed my hair in almost a week:)  No, it really hasn't been that bad and I actually don't mind it, but I get so focused on a task and I already have a good bit of tasks as it is, so something has to give and this week it's my hair.  Well, and the laundry and floors and bathrooms.  But, hey-- I'm pretty much done with those papers!

If you've not done an adoption, you may be curious about what in the world all those papers are for.  There are things like verifying your employment and income, showing your budget, getting criminal clearances, providing personal references, getting doctor forms showing we're all healthy, getting a vet letter showing Raven is not a problem dog, writing about your life history, answering questions about parenting and adoption feelings/plans/etc., taking pictures of your family and home, etc.  All stuff to make sure we are ready and able to give a loving and healthy home to this child.

Next week we should be able to turn in the papers and start having our social worker visits.  Then there are some more papers to turn in, most of which I've got ready now, and we'll be on to getting our dossier together to send to China!

So far things have gone pretty well.  We've had a couple of challenges, such as getting verification for our assortment of income sources, and we've had some nice little bonuses, like finding out my assistant at preschool is a notary (!) and calling for a checkup for Joshua (expecting to get in next month) and hearing there was a cancelation a few days later, right at the only time that would have worked for a very busy day.  People have been very cooperative and things just haven't taken nearly as long as I thought.

We're also very thankful to watch our puzzle of donor names grow.  We have raised about $3000 now, which is wonderful.  We are hoping to add more of our friends and family in the months ahead till it's all filled up.  And we'll be able to apply for grants also once our homestudy is complete.  I hear you typically get some and don't get some and I plan to apply for as many as we can.  I should be an expert on paperwork by then!

I've been reading a book called Message From an Unknown Chinese Mother, which has been very eye-opening to the Chinese culture.  The author highlights many stories of mothers and babies being separated and all are full of heartache.  You often hear that Chinese families favor boys over girls, but this book gives a much richer and elaborate view of why that is and how it all plays out.  It makes me wonder about our girl's birthmother and what difficult circumstances surrounded the birth of our soon-to-be-daughter.  I think we probably won't ever know and I imagine the more we know our daughter, the more we'll wish we did.

Speaking of our daughter, we did have some files of girls sent to us, mostly to get an idea of what that is like.  A file seems to consist of a lot of forms written in Chinese characters, some translated forms telling medical and developmental info, pictures, and sometimes they have a video to send too.  I let Julia see a few videos, which she was so excited about.  And Joshua came by and said, "Is that one of the ones that could be our sister?"  That's what we all call her now--"our sister."  Today Julia asked in that impatient whiny kid kind of way, "How many more days until we get our sister?!?"  It seems so far away, but pretty close too.  I continue to focus more on the things I can do in the process than the part about actually becoming her mom.  I know it will get more real the farther along we get.  Well, I better get back to forms or cleaning or something!  Thanks for checking in and for supporting our family!

Putting the Pieces Together

We had a lot of fun putting together the pieces of the fundraiser puzzle tonight.

I wasn't quite sure if the theme--"bringing home our little piece of China"--with the china tea set puzzle was too cheesy, but it's growing on me.

Julia absolutely loves it.  She did not want to go to bed because she said it was the prettiest thing she's ever seen and she just never wants to stop looking at it.

 She was thrilled to know it will be framed in her room when we're all finished with it.

I agree it is very pretty on the front side.  

But now the back side is becoming beautiful too, as we fill it with names of friends and family who are so kind to want to help with the cost of bringing this little girl home.  We are so grateful to each of you!

My memory is not so great, so one of my favorite things is to write down family moments I don't want to forget.  Really excited to have this keepsake as a reminder of the support and love we have through the adoption process.

If you're interested in donating to our adoption via our puzzle fundraiser, please see this link for all the info:  https://www.purecharity.com/crabtree-family-adoption.

You can also send a check with for the child to be adopted by the Crabtree family (yes, exactly that wording) on the memo directly to our agency (just let me know about it so I can add you to the puzzle):
Small World Adoptions
PO Box 1109
Mount Juliet, TN 37121

Paper Pregnant

In the adoption world that's what they call it when you're officially starting the adoption process.  Paper pregnant.  I don't know if it's because that's the only way you can affirm you are going to have another child--the papers that approve you to adopt--or if it's because if I put the stack of papers we're going to need to gather under my shirt, I'd look like I was pregnant.  I looked up the definition of pregnant and this one seems to work too:  filled with meaning or emotion because of what is going to happen or be said.

When I got those signed papers back that said we were approved for China, they definitely had a lot of meaning and emotion because of what they signify is coming.

Regardless, here were are.  Paper pregnant feels a little like the regular pregnant.  I have trouble sleeping sometimes, it doesn't always feel like it's really happening, it's fun to share our news, we have a lot to do to get ready for our child, and I have this feeling in the back of my head that everything's about to change.

But it's been different in a lot of ways.  For one, how the news is received is different.  People aren't automatically so excited.  There are a lot more kinds of feelings attached there.  And questions.  And misconceptions.  And probably judgments.  I'm so thankful for the many who have reacted with such love and support for us.

Another thing different is that the stuff I would normally start trying to figure out right away is taking a back seat to the stuff we need to do to make the adoption official.  We haven't spent more than 2 minutes total talking about what we'll name her.  We haven't figured out what we'll need for her--clothes or baby stuff or bed or...we don't even know how old she'll be.  The papers we need to gather are more concrete I guess, so they take precedence to the more fun parts of planning for another child.

The biggest thing different of course is that she's probably already born.  She's somewhere in China--maybe in a hospital, maybe at an orphanage or foster home.  She is there and I have no idea what is going on with her.  I can't feel her kick or get a check up to make sure all is well.  There will always be a big part of her life that we won't know.  She is a stranger to us right now, yet one day, we're going to have trouble remembering life without her.  Still processing all these things and pondering what I'm feeling in this "paper pregnancy".

The Year Ahead, Why China, and Other Thoughts!

So what is ahead for our family over the next year or so with this adoption thing?  Well I don't really know all of it yet!  My lovely friend--oh, and the China program director--will give us an orientation soon, but in the meantime I have read through the 100+ page handbook to get an idea.

I can definitely tell you there will be lots and lots of paperwork!  Lots of retrieving documents, making things official, mailing this and that, taking pictures, filling out forms, etc.  

The first part of that stuff will begin soon with our homestudy, which I've learned is not just a study filled out about family by a social worker, but also includes time for us to learn more about parenting an adopted child.  That will take several months. 

The next part of that stuff is our dossier to China, which includes some of the same paperwork and some different.  That will take another several months.  

Then all gets mailed to China and a few months later if we haven't chosen to be matched with a child that has more moderate to severe special needs, we'll be matched with a child with minor special needs.  That takes us toward the end of the year I think.  

Then a few more months to get everything in order with the match and we'll get word that we can make our travel plans.  We'll spend about a week and half or 2 in China and come home with our little sweetie!

You may be wondering why we picked China.  Again, not the expert, but here are 3 reasons:

1) As I said in the previous post, trying to adopt from the foster system was not the right fit for our situation.  Also domestic private adoption can be full of lots of ups and downs, things falling through, etc.  It can also go perfectly smoothly, but because of the reasons below, we decided not to go that route.  It also seems to take awhile to be chosen by the birth family when you already have a passel of kids.

2) We already have close family friends with kids adopted from China that we can walk through this with and share life with when our child is home.  It is such a comfort to have my dear friend handling our adoption.  And it's great for our Chinese child to have families around her that are similar to ours so she doesn't feel like the odd one.  (Along those same lines, there are other wonderful families we know that are adopting from China too!  We'll be able to do this journey together and help each other continue to celebrate our children's culture when they come home.)

3) China's process for special needs kids is dependable, ethical, and fast.  They've been at it a long time and agencies know just what to expect and how to handle all the details.

And why the special needs program?  From what I've read, in China there is a deep social stigma attached to children with special needs.  I think it's changing for the better (see this article:  http://www.lwbcommunity.org/birth-defects) but in the meantime, parents aren't feeling like they can raise these kids and there aren't enough being adopted domestically...yet.  Some parents also just can't afford medical care.  The article about said almost all the kids that come to an orphanage have a special need, so adopting a healthy child could take many years.  We'll have to make hard choices at some point about which needs we feel we can handle, but I'm not thinking about that today!

Now when I think about going all the way to China....whew!  That is going to be a big stretch for me. The extent of my foreign travel is a little day trip across the border to Vancouver to visit their aquarium when we lived in Washington.  That's it.  I like the familiar and feel nervous going somewhere different.  But I also know that when we lived hours and hours from home in WA for a time, I got to see things and do things I'd never done before and it was such a great experience.  I expect China will be a challenge but really amazing for this homebody.  And there's a tiny adventurous side of me that can't wait! 

Crabtree Kid #4: A long time coming!

I lay awake in the middle of the night and think about it.  I wake up in the morning and it still doesn’t seem quite real.  I have to remind myself that it’s true—we are adopting from China and about one short year from now we’re going to be a family of 6.  How did we get to this place?  I think it’s been in the works for a long, long time now.  

I can remember talking with my mom years and years ago about what I wanted to do when I grew up—to run an orphanage.  I even remember what road we were on as we discussed this.  I don’t have a great memory, but some things just stick in my head.  Like hours after Joshua was born and I went to see him in the Special Care nursery, where he lay under an oxygen hood.  The feeling was overpowering—how much I loved him, how he had this big, supportive family that would even come all the way to Missouri to set eyes on him, how there are little ones laying in hospitals who have no one there celebrating their arrival, holding their tiny hands while they receive treatment, and how much I wanted to adopt.  Funny thing to feel the day you have your first baby.

But lots of life events got in the way of those dreams and before we knew it, we had three kids.  Still, I really wanted to adopt.  I read all I could get my hands on about international adoption, infant adoption, older child adoption, refugee teen adoption, foster care and with every story I said to myself, “Yes.  I want to do that.”  But it wasn’t the right time.  There were moves, job changes, going back to school, etc. and it was just too much.  And Matt was not at all ready.  

Sometimes I would despair at this not-right timing.  I remember one such afternoon that I felt particularly frustrated about it all.  We were headed to a play date for new Voyager kindergarteners and must have had a discussion about adoption on the way.  I don’t remember the details except that I was sad and the moment we got to the park, I looked up and the first family I saw was a mom and dad with two obviously adopted children.  I knew when I saw them they must be the family my friend Carla mentioned were also going to Voyager.  And in that moment, it felt like God was telling me to be patient and that we’d get our chance at adoption one day.  I was right about that family.  It was the Bakers who, as it turns out, have played such a big role in this process.  Lisa is now a close friend and the one we are working with at Small World, as she’s in charge of China adoptions.  

So this adoption thing is a very long story in the making.  The latest bit is that Matt and I agreed to start seriously looking into it this year, around Julia's birthday when the reality of youngest child turning 6 was setting in, and I really had no idea what decision we would make.  

We started with pursuing adoption from the foster system, but after our meeting with the social worker, decided it wasn’t the best fit.  The goal there is always to reunify kids and parents and all involved have to be 100% behind that and ready to do what it takes.  But since half of our motivation is to add a 4th child to our family, not just to temporarily care for a child, we needed to look elsewhere.  

After meeting with the Bakers, we decided that night to go for China.  It was a big surprise to me that Matt was ready to say yes.  I think it helped to hear the Bakers affirm his concerns and share that they had had similar thoughts, but that all turned out beautifully.  The night we decided was the night before Valentine’s Day.  We aren’t huge Valentine’s people, but it’s always been just a fun day to share with the kids, the big highlight being a treasure hunt for little gifts (this year was Valentine mailbox and a tshirt).  But now I think the holiday will take on a new meeting as I will always remember it was when my prayers were answered for a dream to come true.  

On Valentine’s Day at breakfast, we told the kids.  It wasn’t a huge surprise, as they have heard me talk and read to them about adoption for years now and they knew we were thinking about it.  Matt told them the child will probably be a girl (side note- in China there are now more boys than girls available for adoption I believe, so it’s possible we change our minds, but there is something so special about having sisters that I want Julia to experience) and Joshua said, “Another one?!”  We only have one girl, buddy.  Two isn't so many!  Gray immediately began making plans to learn Chinese and Julia just beamed and talked about how she’s been wanting a sister.

I will try to keep this site updated with our progress.  Another day I will write about where we are in the process and what’s ahead.  For now, I hope you’ll join me in thanking the LORD for his kindness to me and to our family.

Catching up

My lack of posting is definitely indicative of my full schedule since I started the job!  Things have been good but I constantly feel behind!  Today I feel like I can breathe a little because the kids are off school and I am off work on Monday.  So I was thinking over our night last night and wanted to record some of the conversation.

Joshua is still in Seattle and the rest of us were out to eat.  On the way, we saw a restaurant with the Duke logo outside of it.  Julia said, "I thought that was a Duke cafe.  Or buffet."  She was a total chatterbox all night and kept us laughing.  We talked about what you would bring with you on a one-year trip if you could only take 3 things.  Gray debated about the xbox and then decided on a football, basketball, and basketball goal.  Julia said right away, "Food, a lamp because that would be nice to give you some light, and a clock because it plays you music and helps you fall asleep.  Well, maybe a toothbrush instead, because that is better."  Funny how different they are!

This led to talk about cell phones (Matt's choice) and Gray says in exasperation, "When I am going to get a phone?!?!" and Julia says in an equally dramatic tone, "When am I going to get braces?!"  On the way home, she made lots of comments about the songs on the radio, such as how when boys sing a song about sweetheart, it's like when you grow up and get married and love someone and she thinks they are singing to girls.  Of course it all sounds funnier in her unique way of putting things.

I had parent-teacher conferences for all the kids the last few days.  Julia's teacher confirmed that yes Julia was correct when she told me she was "varely" listening the first weeks of school.  She said she was totally in her own world and they couldn't snap her out of it easily.  But that was probably her being overwhelmed with the transition of quiet days with me to loud, long days in the classroom.  Now she's doing well, though she is a talker, but not a "loud talker, just a sneaky talker".  She's doing very well academically and she enjoys it, so overall great report.  She is loving her dance class and it was so fun watching on parent observation day Monday.  I kept thinking "One of these is not like the other" when she would be a bit off the rest of the group and she did some lovely eye rolling and groans when she got tired of doing arabesques!  But she was so enthusiastic in her marching along to the tap dance and we just got a big kick out of the whole thing.

Joshua's teacher just loves him.  She said there isn't even one little thing she could tell me he needs to improve on as far as organization, following directions, behavior.  And he's above average on the academics as well. She said he's well liked and one friend in particular asks every day when he's going to get back from Seattle!  He seems to be having a great trip.  We gets texts of pictures and movies and "I miss you".  Feels like forever since I've seen him!!  He's done really well with his swim classes and has a really pretty stroke.  We're debating about switching over to swim team, which is pretty time consuming, but could be really good for him.  He has his next x-ray Tuesday so we'll see how things are progressing with his leg.  He and I had a fun trip away to the mountains last month on the 4th grade field trip.  He was a little down with chest pains from asthma, but recovered enough to have a good time and the scenery was beautiful.

Gray's teacher said he's so bright and such a neat kid with lots of interesting things to say.  He's above average academically, despite his attention issues, so she says she really can't complain.  His score of 192 words per minute reading was by far the highest she's ever seen.  He's still doing some ridiculous things like stuffing his face to the almost choking point at lunch, but it's better than that rainy week when he ate part of a glue stick and smeared peanut butter on his face.  I think part of that was due to not getting outside enough.  She said they were all going crazy.  His biggest struggle is writing, but he's showing some signs of wanting to try harder with that and making good progress when he does try.  I'm so happy we got this teacher who genuinely likes having Gray in her class!  He was so happy to finish the big mile run with a 7:21 time a few weeks ago.  It's such a big deal at school and he was pretty concerned.

My class is going great!  I love my little group of 6 and we have a lot of fun reading and talking together, doing discovery and experiment activities, playing outside.  They are so cute, well-behaved, and eager to learn.  It's a great job.

Matt is surviving his challenging job.  He's tired a lot but likes that he's always learning and feels like he's using his brain well.  And of course he's happy to have the job security.

Raven's doing well for the most part.  I think she doesn't like those days we are gone a lot and she's confined to her crate.  But left unsupervised, she does things like poop upstairs and get into the trash, so that's just the way it has to be.  She is well-loved and the kids often argue over who will feed her or take her out of her crate or give her treats.

I want to slow down time and enjoy each of our days well, but still working on how to make that happen! :)  There's always something to clean or wash, something to straighten or water, behavior stuff to talk through, homework to do, books to read, activities or parties to go to, meals to make, grocery story trips to go on, walks to take.  Just normal busy family life.  Things are good, but I do miss those slower summer days.  It may be summer before I get around to writing again....

First Day of School- K, 3rd, and 4th

Today went well. Kids were really happy yesterday and mostly excited this morning. We got to school early and Julia was the first one in my class. She gave me a hug and walked right in. She and Gray both insisted they didn't need me to walk them in and they knew where their classes were, though it's quite a ways from the front door and they had only been to the school once or twice. I insisted I was coming anyway!  I wrangled a hug from Gray and Joshua right outside their class and then just like that I was all alone. I didn't cry but I sure did feel strange. I kept looking behind me thinking someone should be following me!  I set off to to the clearance form for volunteers and saw so many of my sweet KNO kids full of happy greetings and hugs on the way, as well as lots of my grown up friends from our neighborhood. It felt very good to be there!


The kids rode the bus home, which is less than a five minute ride for them and went fine. The boys wanted to sit with friends but were assigned to each other and Julia sat right in front of them beside two little girls and across from my friend Robyn's twins. They were all smiles and happy chatter off the bus. Gray liked that he can earn tickets in his class and had a marshmallow tower building contest today. Joshua liked getting to know a kid he had met last year at s birthday party and that Friday there are special team games in his class. Julia liked playing on the playground with a friend from dance camp and Francisco from KNO. She cried later though bc she said her teacher fussed at her about not listening.

This afternoon Julia had her first dance class--tap and ballet. I could watch her from a window and she was adorable and loved it. Matt and the boys went to the pool.

And now I'm continuing to work on getting my class ready and lesson plans together for my job. I have orientation tomorrow, a parent orientation Thursday, a bring your parent to class day next week, and then kids start coming the 14th. I think it's going to be good, though it still feels like a lot to do to keep up with job and house and kids and volunteering. Going to be an interesting year!