Making Progress!

We had a little bit of a break through yesterday when we got a phone call from our assigned social worker to set up our first meeting!  She is the same person who has been working on another family in our neighborhood's homestudy and they say she is great.  We can't jump right on having her over because of Matt's work schedule, spring break, etc., but she'll be coming on the 7th, so that's not too far away.  This will be a fairly short meeting just to help her get to know our family a bit.  I think in future meetings she will do more specific things like check safety stuff and talk to the kids??  I really think the hardest part will be scheduling the visits since Matt is gone from early morning till bedtime on his dayshift days and certain days of the week are much better for our social worker.

In other news, we have been thinking about how we will get our new little girl settled in Julia's room, figuring bunk beds are the only thing that won't take up the entire floor.  Matt mentioned making some with scrap wood we have in the garage, then later thought that might be too big of a project and he'd have to buy more wood for sure.  So last week I decided to start pricing beds, looking on craigslist, etc, but first wanted to check with our neighborhood just in case someone was thinking of getting rid of theirs.  Sure enough someone is moving next month and wanted to sell them for cheap.  She had been just about to list them on our site.  They are white, which is what I was hoping, and did I mention cheap?  We'll pick them up in a few weeks and start rearranging the room.  Julia can't wait!

We have continued to try our hand at Mandarin, with interesting results:)  We listened to a cd on the way to school, so as we rolled into the car line, we are all practicing the four tones with the lady on the cd, going "yeh, ye-e-e-ah, ye-e-e-e-e-ah, yeah" and totally cracking up because we sound like cowboys, not Chinese.  Oh well, we're trying!

And our puzzle fundraiser keeps rolling along.  It looks about halfway done, though I loose count every time I try to see how many pieces are left.  Some of our donors have been anonymous/just wanted their name on one piece and some donations weren't in $20 increments, so I hope I'm doing the math correctly when I say we have about 140 pieces left.  We have definitely raised $4710, which is so great!!!!  Still hoping to fill up the puzzle and will be able to start applying for grants once the homestudy is finished, which is maybe a month or two from now.

In the meantime, we have a week of fun and celebrations ahead--Matt's birthday, Easter, Gray's birthday, and lots of visits from my side of the family during Spring Break.  Lots to be thankful for!!

Adoption Books I Love

About 5 years ago, I began combing the shelves of the library for every book on adoption I could get my hands on.  Since then, I've read a good many and thought I'd share my favorites.

1. No Biking in the House Without a Helmet:  This story of a family of I think 8 kids was so engrossing!  She adopted from a few different countries and has so many interesting stories to tell.  This author has some really great books and goes more in depth on her experiences in Ethiopia in another one: There is No Me Without You.

2. Motherbridge of Love by Xue Xinran:  This one I found when gathering materials for a meeting on Orphan Care a few years ago.  I read it out loud to the kids there and several of us were getting teary. It does a great job of showing how the birthmother and adoptive mother both love the child and give the child a part of them.  (I also like a book for adults by the same author called Letters from an Unknown Chinese Mother that shows the many heartbreaking reasons why children don't stay with their birth families in China.)

3. Another Place at the Table:  It was hard to read these stories of a foster mom's experiences, but I could not put it down and it was very enlightening on the process of foster care in America.

4. Mamalita:  This was the first adoption memoir I ever read and it captured my heart and attention.  Some other adoption memoirs I read were Love in the Driest Season, Forever Lily, Baby We Were Made for Each Other, The Russian Word for Snow, Instant Mom, Secret Thoughts of An Adoptive Mother, and Wait No More.  They all were very interesting and came from the Durham Public Library, but I read them so quickly at around the same time that I can't give many details on most.

5. Wish You Happy Forever:  This is the story of an adoptive mom who sets out to revolutionize the way China cares for their orphans.  It's very interesting and gives a great picture of Chinese culture and the history of orphanages in China.  The author has done some great work in making orphanages much more enriching places for the children.

6. Lucky Girl:  What an interesting story Mei-Ling has to tell.  She was adopted from Taiwan and then comes to meet her large and interesting birth family as a 20-something year old.  She works through a lot of her feelings about her adoption and it's a quick and interesting read to follow her journey.

7. Just Add One Chinese Sister:  We found this at the library recently and it was a sweet story to read with the kids and open some dialogue about how they might be feeling similarly to the boy in the story about getting a new sister.  Julia especially loved it.

Well I am sure I am forgetting other good ones.  I went through a phase of reading a crazy amount of nonfiction books a few years ago and probably have forgotten some.  There are also lots of great websites and blogs you can read.  I followed New Day Foster Home in China for awhile (newdayfosterhome.blogspot.com) and also No Hands But Ours has some great info and articles (http://nohandsbutours.com).  

I've watched a few documentaries as well.  Somewhere Between takes you along with several older adopted Chinese girls as they go back to their birth villages.  The Drop Box shows a pastor and his wife who care for abandoned babies in South Korea.  We watched most of it with our kids, though there was a small part that talked about a birth mother being beat up because of her pregnancy and we skipped that.  But there are some great parts that really affirm the value of every child's life, even those that are severely disabled like the pastor's older son.  And we loved a part showing one of his adopted sons rising to self-confidence in his school despite his challenges.

I am in the process of reading another book and have a leaning tower of pisa stack of more on my nightstand.  But I'm always up for more suggestions!!

Somebody help us! (a.k.a. our first attempt at Mandarin!)

I finally went the other day and got a Chapel Hill library card in order to check out some Mandarin learning dvds.  (FYI, Orange County residents can get a free card and it has a different selection than Hillsborough, so could be helpful.)

What I ended up with was basically a toddler video--sweet, soothing music with little kids doing everyday life things while a nice voice repeats phrases in Mandarin to describe.  We could read English subtitles and *attempt* to copy the voice, but I had very little confidence we were getting anything right!  So early on, I baled and began searching through a book I'd gotten to try to learn some basic things like how to do the 4 tones, but Gray was not deterred!  He pulled out a piece of paper and started copying down the Mandarin he heard and the translation.  He did not care one bit that what he heard and what the lady actually said were a bit off, but was thrilled at his language acquisition.

Here's what he learned:

Pretty sure towel is not "emoji", face is not "liam", bath is not "sheep towel", apple juice is not "pink water", goodbye is not "muy bien" and (our favorite) He is barking is not "ka-chow."

We need help, big time.  Hope my book and cd might be a little more enlightening!

Have you ever thought....

...that you might want to adopt one day?  I'm obviously not an expert.  It's only been a month since we began this process.  But I have spent years reading books, searching websites, and watching documentaries so I can speak a little about some of the concerns one might have about going through with it.

We now have 3 other families that are friends of ours and doing China's special needs program through the Small World agency.  SO cool.

So in light of some old friends of ours just joining us on this journey, thought I'd try to answer a few questions pertaining to adopting from China.

1. What about the money?  This seems to be most people's first concern.  It is expensive to adopt internationally.  About $30,000 expensive.  But it's actually just as expensive to adopt domestically unless you go through the foster system, which is a great fit for some families.  Most of the fees are to cover the work that various people in and out of our government and China's government to do all the legal stuff that make your child officially yours.  There is meticulous checking of the parents' ability to parent and then paperwork, such as several documents through the US Citizenship & Immigration Services.  This stuff costs money!  And of course there are travel expenses to go to China for 2 weeks.  That costs money too.  So yes, it's expensive.  No, you don't pay the government of China $30,000.  You'd pay agencies in the US just as much to adopt a newborn and you're not even traveling halfway around the world, so it is just a generally costly process.

BUT, my friendly neighborhood China program director Lisa says that there a lot of worthy reasons to decide adoption isn't for you, but the money shouldn't be one of them.  Fundraisers are super helpful.  There are lots of options for no-interest or low-interest adoption loans.  There are grants available.  There is a $12,000 tax credit (if your taxable income is high enough--we aren't sure how much we will get).

It is a lot of money.  But if this is something you feel called to do, it shouldn't get in the way.  I feel like at the end of our lives if we're weighing the things we did that were worthwhile, bringing our little girl into the family is going to be waaay up there and accumulating wealth is not.

2. But what about the financial requirements?  Now this is one way money can definitely trip you up with China.  There are income and net worth requirements that you have to meet.  But I do think there is wiggle room if you are adopting a Special Focus child (more moderate to severe needs and/or older), so it's still not an absolute no.  Here are the numbers via Small World's page:

China requires an income of $10,000 per family member including your prospective adopted child. The CCCWA requires a minimum net worth of at least $80,000. When twins are requested, they are typically placed with couples who have no other children in the home and show a greater than average income and a larger net worth.

For some people one or the other number may be more challenging to meet.  If it's the net worth, just remember you can add in your household items, vehicles, etc.  If you're like us and the income requirements are a stretch, remember you can count things like rental income, side jobs, and even your employer can monetize your benefits to add to the total.

3. I don't think we can handle special needs.  This is another huge issue to answer for your family.  BUT, by China's standards, special needs are extremely variable.  Some children have minimal issues, are older kids, or have had their medical issue corrected.  Many children will seem no different from other children.  So the bigger question is which special needs could your family care for?

We filled out the checklist (yes, no, or maybe for tons of specifics) and it was tough.  Thankfully, the agency just wants to get an idea of how to help you find a match that will work well and we aren't locked in to any of our yes, no, or maybes.  All adopted children do have the "special need" of being adopted, though, so it's good to try to prepare for emotional needs that your biological kids won't have had, even if the child you are matched with is fairly typical medically/developmentally.

I will say that in thinking about what our new girl will be like, I've reminded myself that we never expected our current three kids to have any issues, yet we have had a little eczema, a little asthma, allergies, birthmarks, ADHD, blocked tear ducts, and a hip disorder.  All of these things would have probably landed them on the special needs list!

4. But the process is too much trouble!  This is another I have heard and/or thought myself.  Do we even have time to get through the paperwork?  We are now almost done with our papers.  All that is left is a couple things for our dossier to China--the ordering of a few documents, filling out of a couple more, and gluing a few pictures on paper.  Initially, I took one night and worked through a ton of it and the rest was really downhill.  It has not been nearly as time-consuming as I thought.

If you are thinking about getting started in the near or not-so near future, it will be helpful for you to put all your important documents in one place (marriage and birth certificates, life and health insurance papers, etc); to keep a good spreadsheet on your income, expenses, assets, and liabilities; to have regular checkups for your kids so it's easy to get the pediatrician to fill out a health form for them; and to have people take pictures of your family doing family things together with everyone looking at the camera.  These will make it a bit simpler to print, copy, gather the things you need when the time comes.  And you can take your time in the beginning if you need to.  I rushed to get ours done, but really we are hoping to go over to China with other families we know, so slower may actually be better. (Which is a good thing since we are still waiting for our homestudy agency to review our papers and assign a social worker!)  Really it's not that bad.  Pregnancy has plenty of challenges that make this seem like a piece of cake!

I know other concerns are a little more nuanced, such as how your current children will react and how much time you have to parent an additional child.  Those can't be answered with facts and anecdotes.

What may be helpful is to read through some resources.  I will try to post some of my favorites soon!

Getting Some Culture

Part of the homestudy process is taking online classes to help us learn how to parent an adopted child and to educate us about China.

We have done a few courses already and learned about how to respond to questions from people about our newest family member.  Once she's home with us, we will be noticed everywhere we go because of our different races.  Sometimes we may feel like being adoption ambassadors and telling our story to strangers but other times we may just want to get our grocery shopping done and be left alone.  It's good for us to think and be prepared for those situations.

We also learned about how adopted children cope with the grief they experience in no longer being with their birth families.  One suggestion was to make a life book that includes information and items from their lives before and after adoption.  I love having records of family moments and have books for our three kids...multiple books for each one actually.  Maybe it's a middle child thing, but I've been so determined that each child would have the same amount of memory books of their childhood...so it bothers me not to be able to have that for our 4th child, with the deeper frustration being that we will have missed witnessing all those firsts to write down and take pictures of.  But I plan to make something for her and fill it as much as we can.

The other section of our online lessons has been on China itself.  In thinking about adoption in the past, I either imagined a domestic adoption or a hispanic country.  I'm not well-traveled at all and so most of my experiences with other ethnicities has been through our Mexican-American Kids' Night Out children and their families.  I felt I could most relate to that culture and China was very far off my radar.  But now that we have made this choice, it's up to us to learn about China and embrace it.

Our little girl will need to have a feel for where she came from and to know that her culture is a real part of our family now.  And I'm excited about that!  As I grow to learn more about who God is, I see more of his love for people everywhere--not just our little part of the globe-- and his desire for us to love and embrace the world. Our 4th child is a girl somewhere in that world that needs a family and it doesn't matter that she's not residing between the US borders because our God's desire for us to love and care for people is not restricted by geography. I love how multicultural families make such a visible display of what heaven must look like--people of all different colors, shapes, and sizes.  And now we get to be one of those families.

This afternoon we had the kids do one of our lessons with us.  We got to learn all about the Chinese language, Chinese festivals, and traditions.  It seems food is a very meaningful part of Chinese culture and a big part of celebrations.  Gray was interested in trying some of the foods mentioned like dumplings and moon cakes.  Joshua perked up and gave me a look when the lady speaking suggested we could give children red envelopes with money during Chinese New Year.  The boys were both very excited about the dragon boat races mentioned and want to find where we could watch one around here.  Julia loved the idea of making lanterns for the Lantern Festival.  She also had a few questions:  "What about when it's our sister's birthday...how we will know who her friends are?"  We had an extensive discussion on that.  And then, "Also, I don't really understand Chinese." :)  Gray was most interested in the zodiac signs and in no time at all was calculating what year everyone was born in based on the order of the animals and knowing this is the year of the monkey.

When we were finished, Gray wanted to make a picture about the zodiac animals and Julia wanted to make a card for her sister.  I printed out a few Chinese characters (the symbol you see is our attempt at writing 'love') and words (mei mei is 'little sister') that she incorporated into her work and she insisted I make a card too.

Looking forward to learning more about China and seeing it first hand!!

Signed, Sealed, and Delivered!

Whew!  We mailed the homestudy paperwork today!!!  It really doesn't seem that bad looking back on it, and it only took a few days of work and a week or so of waiting on a couple things.  We have a shorter list of documents we'll have to give to our assigned social worker at some point during the 3-5 meetings we have, but I have all those ready already.  Big step today!  Next up, social worker visits.

These Papers

I really want to keep this blog updated with our adoption progress so thought I'd write a little about how things are going...  It's been only 2 1/2 weeks since we started this thing, which is so hard to believe after all we've accomplished since then!!

So last Thursday we got the first (and by far the largest) packet of papers for us to turn in for our homestudy.  How's that going?  Let's just say I haven't washed my hair in almost a week:)  No, it really hasn't been that bad and I actually don't mind it, but I get so focused on a task and I already have a good bit of tasks as it is, so something has to give and this week it's my hair.  Well, and the laundry and floors and bathrooms.  But, hey-- I'm pretty much done with those papers!

If you've not done an adoption, you may be curious about what in the world all those papers are for.  There are things like verifying your employment and income, showing your budget, getting criminal clearances, providing personal references, getting doctor forms showing we're all healthy, getting a vet letter showing Raven is not a problem dog, writing about your life history, answering questions about parenting and adoption feelings/plans/etc., taking pictures of your family and home, etc.  All stuff to make sure we are ready and able to give a loving and healthy home to this child.

Next week we should be able to turn in the papers and start having our social worker visits.  Then there are some more papers to turn in, most of which I've got ready now, and we'll be on to getting our dossier together to send to China!

So far things have gone pretty well.  We've had a couple of challenges, such as getting verification for our assortment of income sources, and we've had some nice little bonuses, like finding out my assistant at preschool is a notary (!) and calling for a checkup for Joshua (expecting to get in next month) and hearing there was a cancelation a few days later, right at the only time that would have worked for a very busy day.  People have been very cooperative and things just haven't taken nearly as long as I thought.

We're also very thankful to watch our puzzle of donor names grow.  We have raised about $3000 now, which is wonderful.  We are hoping to add more of our friends and family in the months ahead till it's all filled up.  And we'll be able to apply for grants also once our homestudy is complete.  I hear you typically get some and don't get some and I plan to apply for as many as we can.  I should be an expert on paperwork by then!

I've been reading a book called Message From an Unknown Chinese Mother, which has been very eye-opening to the Chinese culture.  The author highlights many stories of mothers and babies being separated and all are full of heartache.  You often hear that Chinese families favor boys over girls, but this book gives a much richer and elaborate view of why that is and how it all plays out.  It makes me wonder about our girl's birthmother and what difficult circumstances surrounded the birth of our soon-to-be-daughter.  I think we probably won't ever know and I imagine the more we know our daughter, the more we'll wish we did.

Speaking of our daughter, we did have some files of girls sent to us, mostly to get an idea of what that is like.  A file seems to consist of a lot of forms written in Chinese characters, some translated forms telling medical and developmental info, pictures, and sometimes they have a video to send too.  I let Julia see a few videos, which she was so excited about.  And Joshua came by and said, "Is that one of the ones that could be our sister?"  That's what we all call her now--"our sister."  Today Julia asked in that impatient whiny kid kind of way, "How many more days until we get our sister?!?"  It seems so far away, but pretty close too.  I continue to focus more on the things I can do in the process than the part about actually becoming her mom.  I know it will get more real the farther along we get.  Well, I better get back to forms or cleaning or something!  Thanks for checking in and for supporting our family!