Just pondering... (and some baby Allie pictures)

I've put the kids to bed.  Allie and Julia went down half an hour ago and I still hear Allie babbling and squealing.  She may be enjoying sharing a room with her big sister a little too much!  She was all snuggled down while I held her and sang to her and then once she realized Julia was going to bed at the same time, she popped right up and looked like she was ready to party!  She is signing more and talking more and more each day.  Her favorite word today is "Uh oh", which sounds more like "uh uh".  Yesterday it was "feet", which sounds like nothing I can imitate and the day before it was "peekaboo", which sounds like "bee".  She continues to say her siblings' names all very loudly and similarly.  She has learned to sign "hurt", "help", and "toothbrush" (she does this one with sound effects) this week.  (Thanks to my coworker Kim for letting me borrow an awesome baby sign language book!)

We were inside all day due to the cold and windy conditions and no place we needed to go, but managed okay with organizing cabinets, playing with random objects, a good nap, a little squirrel watching, playing with siblings, and lots of food!

In the quieter moments, now that we have some distance from our China travels and I'm getting to know Allie more, lots of questions keep coming up in my mind.

As I held her tonight and she always snuggles in and seems like she'd stay that way forever, I wonder how she was put to bed when she was with her parents or at either of her foster homes.  I wonder how many others have held her close, singing to her.  Do her nannies still miss her?  Does she miss them?  What goes through her head when I show her their pictures?  When she wakes up and looks at me like she's a little lost, is she sleepy-confused, thinking she's still in China?  Is she happy when she realizes she's at our house?

Does she still understand Mandarin?  Does she fear strangers and being left because she remembers what happened in China consciously? Or is it subconscious or just her age or personality?

I wonder what happened on days she was sick.  Was there a nanny to spare who could give her lots of extra attention?  Knowing she was on the better end of the orphan care spectrum, I can speculate, give thanks, and pray for those I know are still waiting to be loved in much worse circumstances.  But because she is ours, up close and personal, I still wonder about each one of her days before she was given to us, as I know every adoptive parent does.  There are some questions that seemed okay to ask and some that didn't occur to me and some that just didn't seem appropriate--like they could be taken the wrong way.  But it is a funny thing to watch videos and see pictures of Allie before we knew her...especially everything from the day we visited.

I put together an album of more than a hundred baby pictures of her.  Believe me, I don't take this for granted.  I know it's a rare thing.  And what's particularly special to me is that years and years ago, before I had the understand of adoption to worry about more significant things, I remember that one of my hesitations, superficial as it may be, had to do with baby pictures.  I am so big on keeping track of photos and stories--my memory is not good and somehow it makes time flying by so fast a little less painful if I know it won't all be forgotten.  When I was pregnant with Joshua, I helped my mom organize boxes of pictures and after seeing how difficult it can be to figure out who, where, and when from an old image, I decided to never get behind, so I have pretty good collections of labeled photos from the last 14 years and a couple of baby books for each child.  It would make me sad to think of having a child that would have no baby books like the others.  Silly, but still...there God goes, being right there in the details, showing his love in the little things through all these pictures of Allie.

Here are a few of my favorites:

 She had just arrived at Living Waters.

Love seeing her interactions with her friends.  

I guess she is one that can curl her tongue. :)

She loves to pretend--usually eating or drinking!

This is one of her closest nannies that we didn't get to meet.

The picture below was used as a headshot for Allie's file.  Her little square-shaped face was perfect for the square pic!

They do these couch pics quite often--I think every time they get a new kid.

So full of smiles.  Love this girl.

They took this one for the calendar they gave us on Gotcha Day.  

The little boy with Allie in both these pics just had a family accept his file!  Such good news.  He was the one that spent half our visit to the foster home in Matt's lap.  Really friendly guy.

Allie Goes to Preschool!

I sadly didn't take a single picture, but Allie and I made it to visit my class yesterday and all went great.  She was her usual shy with the adults, but soon sat with the girls and colored and then sat with me to listen to a story for carpet time.  It was so good to see most of my kids again...some were very vocal and interactive, others didn't seem to know what to say.  I heard a "Miss Holly your baby came out!" and a "Now there are three teachers here!" so we are a little fuzzy on the details of what happened to me and what's to come.  :)

Next we went to the 2 year old class to play and I was surprised at how quickly Allie dove right in to playing with the other kids.  She would come back to check in with me periodically, but really enjoyed the interaction and played more than she does with toys at home.  It was a good visit that gave me confidence that in spite of her being a pretty clingy girl, she should be just fine joining the 2's in the fall.  It's just 3 mornings a week while I work, so it should be a good balance of getting her the social interaction she's used to while still having plenty of time at home.

These pictures are unrelated...Allie trying to ride the rip rider the other day.  She did figure out how to go backwards.

Snuggles and Visitors and Snowflakes, Oh My!

My days are pretty full now.  I'm not really busy like before we left when I was painting and working, but the days are a different kind of full now--lots of toddler time.  In a few more days Matt will return to work and then the real test of my new normal will begin, but the last couple days Matt has continued to be around and spend lots of time with Allie.

She still loves when the kids come home from school and she and Julia are definitely bonding more and more.  We just got back from strolling our babies (I strolled Allie and Julia strolled her doll) and yesterday morning Julia got in Allie's crib before I got her up so they could play together.

We had our first visitors this weekend!  My parents came for a short time and even babysat while Matt and I celebrated a friend's birthday.  Thankfully Allie is sleeping so well that I was able to just put her down a little early and head out.  She definitely warmed up to Mimi and GrandGene but still has a long ways to go.

We decided to take her to church this morning and I'm so glad it's a small, warm group of people.  She felt very comfortable sitting with us and playing.  And beforehand got to be out in the snow a bit.  We know it snows in Beijing but not sure if she's ever experienced it.

In all things, we have in the back of our minds Allie's upcoming surgery.  Sometimes we talk about it, but regardless, we're all thinking of it.  Right before bed the other night, Julia came up with this cute little prayer chain on her own and one of her prayers was for Allie's surgery.  

While I was out...

It felt sooo good to get to go out with a few close friends last night.  Kinda like when you have a newborn that you're constantly with and then get your first time out.  I definitely felt strange to be away from Allie but it was so nice to be able to talk and laugh with my friends.  And from the texts I was getting, things seemed to go great at home without me...

Updates

Well we finally heard that Allie will be hospitalized the week of April 17th for her cath procedure and surgery. I'd like to get it over with but am also glad we have a little more time to bond, plan, and adjust. And hopefully rest up!  Last night Allie finally slept all night again after several bad nights while she's been sick.

Yesterday we had a good day hanging out with our little sweetie. We went to the river walk and she liked playing in the grass a bit. Not much grass in Beijing so I think this is new for her. 

 

 

we also went to the grocery store and she loved helping load the groceries for check out.  'Help' meaning I gave her the item from the cart,  she handed it back to me with huge grins and proud looks over to Matt, and I put it on the belt. 😀 Then at home she loved putting groceries away with me. She is so sweet and already understands so much and listens well. If I tell her not to touch something she will put it down and come over to me. She is getting better about not crying in the car as she realizes these trips do end and she will get to be with us again. But being alone is definitely not her favorite!  She did ok when I took a shower this morning--wouldn't play but just stood snuggled up to the glass door with her blanket. 😀

 

Allie continues to be most playful and independent when the other kids come home from school. Gray had been so into being with her and was playing with her, dressing her, and carrying her around. She is really bonding with them and even went over and hugged Julia yesterday. Julia was really touched by this, as they haven't connected quite as much as the boys. Allie is still very serious and shy with those outside our family, especially when we aren't at home and there is a group. But that may be just her personality, as her nannies said she never liked strangers coming to visit the home. All in all, things are going super well and the health issues are my only concern. 

 

Videos

Just realized the videos I've been posting don't work...

Ups and Downs

It's been lots of fun watching the older three kids bond with Allie.  They each love picking her up any chance they get, playing with her, and (the boys especially) giving her lots of kisses.

I think some of those kisses have given her a little cough, so she hasn't done her best sleeping lately and when I'm not getting sleep, things don't feel like they are going as well.  It definitely helps to get out and go somewhere in the morning.  Allie doesn't get as restless on those days and she's happier to play.  I think that's pretty typical of any toddler.  Sadly, our outings this week have all been to doctor appointments.

We have had check-ups with the pediatrician and cardiologist and gone back in to try to get blood work done.  We're trying to get to the bottom of her rash, but so far haven't come up with anything and haven't been able to get an appointment anytime soon with the dermatologist.

(treatment for her rash from head to toe...don't think it helped though)

In the meantime, we found out Allie's heart repair in China wasn't aggressive enough to enlarge some areas for blood flow and she'll need another open heart surgery to repair it again.  We thought she may have to have a small procedure when we got her home, but did not expect a full surgery till her adolescent years (which will still have to happen).  It's a bit scary, but talking online with a mom who had the exact same situation was helpful.  We are still waiting to figure out timing.  I keep remembering all my thanks to everyone for the donations and how I was particularly glad since we might have significant medical expenses when she got home, but I don't think I really thought that would happen.  It's hard to picture yourself in the hospital with a baby having heart surgery.  But here we are and this is our path right now, so we follow what the doctors tell us and will keep soaking up every day with our sweet girl, who is just blossoming every day and talking more and more.  The last few days she's started saying all her siblings names, Raven, Allie, night-night, peepee, and poop.

 Once when Gray told her to say 'Joshua' she said 'peepee,' which of course Gray was thrilled about.  Today the kids all got into riding her around in a box and even decorated the box and dubbed it the Allie-mobile.  They planned to have timed races, but she had to take a nap.  More adventures await you tomorrow, sweet girl!